What to do?

It has been ages since I cried. I can still recall myself crying on the plane the day I left my friends and family to pursue my study oversea. That doesn't sound like something that I should cry for, I just couldn't control the tears from shedding and my body from trembling, or perhaps twitching, the harder I tried to inhibit it from occurring, my body just went the opposite way and turned out trembling even more terrible. PUFF. I cried, just like that, like my life was over. I was trying so damn hard to hide my emotion but I failed. That was a crying of reluctance of separation. After all the settling down here at Perth and things went pretty well as they seemed, I then realized that the world wasn't over so soon. Few months later, I cried again...

Just a few minutes before this post, I spilt my tears, it was merely a mild weeping though, this time, was a weeping of don't-know-what-to-do, my mind was in a total chaos,or call it dilemma, I felt so helpless, never felt worse since my 1st day here. Well, here's the reason..

It's gonna be the 2nd semester of my 1st year study, for sure, tuition fees should be paid before the term starts, which is 28 July. For some of you might know, my family is not wealthy at all, I should consider myself so lucky that I get to study here. FYI, It's not my mom who renders all the expenses and tuition fee, my aunt does. I know it's not a small amount for me to complete my study here, rising of Aussie dollars somewhat burdens my aunt and family more. So I understand that I shouldn't take all these for granted and I never did (but I've been a little out of control recently cause this holiday bores me so much that I keep spending money on unnecessary things). Until just now, I called my aunt for the 2nd semester tuition fee. I was struggling to call her cause it's always so uneasy to ask someone especially an elder for money, I spent almost a week to build up my mind and finally, I made my call (it was so tough, believe me, it was tougher than you could imagine).

My heart was beating so rapidly, adrenalin level rose so spontaneously, perspiration dripping all over my body, I was so near to suffocation. gosh!.. alright, that's a little off-limit haha. She picked up her phone, there I started my taking-me-one-week and not well prepared "speech". I thought that was all I needed to do and she's gonna pay all my fees until the day I graduate, that had made up my thoughts leastwise. I wasn't expecting any other questions from my aunt, at least not some out of the blue questions. She started asking me about the scholarship thing that I applied for before I came here, I told her that there still hasn't been any word about it yet. She then said something kinda harsh, maybe she didn't mean to be rough but her words just didn't come out right for me, she asked me why I would make my decision so hastily to study here before the scholarship thing's done, she said that I should wait for the scholarship to be adopted before I made up my mind to go anywhere else, and she said that how I could be going to study oversea without any confirmation of the scholarship thing. Frankly speaking, I was stunned by what my aunt just said, not blaming her for those words but perhaps I'm just too sensitive to perceive something so..sensitive. For the fact that she has her own children to take care of, I really couldn't charge her for saying something like that. She then asked me if it's possible to carry over my study at KL and back to Perth during my final year, which I'm very reluctant of. I would have done that if I wanted to do so for the first time. Not that I'm dissing those who study in KL, it's just personal. She told me that it would be nicer if I continue my following years in KL so that it won't be such a great burden on her since she still has two kids to worry about. She would still pay for the 2nd semester tuition fee though. I told her with fully unwillingness that I would try to contact my agent if she could help me with all these, tears were brimming at that second.

I was enjoying a show called "Whose line is it anyway?" at the moment with cookies in my mouth, still laughing my ass off before the call. Totally dazed after the conversation with my aunt, leaving myself with my cookies and the comedy on the screen, I felt lonely, scared, somehow petrified, as I said, helpless, cause I don't want to pack my bags to KL next year! But it's the reality that leaves me no choice, AAHHH! I was in so a contradiction. I hate this feeling, and right after she hung up, I cried. Staring at my laptop screen showing the everyone-laughing-scene, I couldn't even fake a smile. A part of me was thinking to accept the reality but another part of me was strongly opposing that idea. After the crying-out-not-so-loud, I tried to calm myself and here I am, typing all these, phew~feeling much better now, maybe crying helped nothing but at least, letting out my emotion making me feel so much easier. I realize that I should really do something other than plain crying like a baby, just that I don't like to deal with such situation, it makes me hate myself for being so useless that I can't even help with these things, the only thing I'm capable of is to do my best in this 2nd semester, and spend money wisely and carefully. I'm so much comforted after typing my thoughts out, gonna call my mom for a little discussion tomorrow. Hope I can sleep my night out peacefully later, don't mess me up, nightmare!

P.S. I really want to stay! ='(