depression

don't mean to be all depressed and neglectful. YOU made me do it.

one frickin' sentence from you can make my day. or.. ruin the whole day for me.

this is SAD.

i probably have depression, as in clinically pathologically depressed that i may not know of. or Parkinson's Disease..the one that comes with depression. and shaky hands. and wrinkly skin.

i might not seem to be bothered, or worse, be offended but deep down I DO CARE. it hurts so much that my heart's exaggeratedly broken into thousands of pieces when you probably don't mean what you just said. what can do..

it's so right that when you love someone until it's got to certain point, or what i'd rather call the boiling point, the hatred's gonna start building up and you'll feel so obnoxious of whatever that's done by that someone. ain't that a bitch.

i'm zonked out. so. very. knackered. shouldn't really do long-time-contact-lenses.

tonnes more to express but just too tired to clear up my mind. not to mention writing it all out. Oh God, guide me through this and hopefully everything's gonna turn out just fine after one good night sleep.

nighty. night.

car crash

it wasn't exactly a car crash with like casualties all over the place. just me. and a truck involved.

sent mom to work, driving back home as usual, and saw this huge line so decided to take over to the left lane.. i saw the truck coming and kinda knew it was coming in a nasty speed. for God knows what reason i signaled, and i just took over without even bothering the 'upcoming' truck.. so i was like all nonchalant driving my car doing my thing and BAMMM! Cor Blimey i felt a sudden BAMM-ness and BAMMM BAMMMM and everything was so BAMMM and BAMMM.. my mind went completely blank.. so what happened was that the truck SCRATCHED through my car and all i managed to know was the left side mirror was gone and the doors on the left side were like..ruined. see the 'SCRATCHED' i used..it was a HUGEASS scratch.

i was scared. i DROVE OFF. like that. i was terrified.. didn't know what to do.. was driving home and everything was.. so.. scary.. the thought of it.. and yes i didn't stop at the side of the road to argue and called the police whatever. and it was pretty clear that it was my fault. i didn't know what to do so i drove off.. what a sinner i was.. am.. was.. whatever..

called my mom right away but she didn't answer. so i got home and called her office and i got scolded.. yes.i should of stopped and lodged a police report or something. to claim the insurance.. now.. everything's just so much more complicated. damn.

so i called laura to cancel the movie-session we were gonna have later on. thanks for the comfort and no you're not a property's ruiner dw:) hahaa it's all good.

yes. DAMN. perhaps i'm not born a good driver. don't think i'll drive anytime soon. not to mention to speed on a bloody carless highway.. sighness.

but thank God that i'm still alive..intact.. perhaps it's time i started to be more careful on the road.. should have been cautious since the first day though. yea right.

i used to sarcastically boasted that i never got involved in a car accident before. so proud of it and all. now this is what we call karma or whatever it is.. and this is def worse than 'getting' involved cos i ditched like a bitch.. it's all your fault Britney! Spears..

one funny thing though.. the scream i uttered when all that happened..was HILARIOUS. HAHA i couldn't help to think of that scream that came out of me throat. 'twas just hysterical..

yea. still in shock. :(

frustration. so knackered. the guilt. pharyngitis.

woke up. thought it was gonna be a good day despite the little sore throat that struck me for no reason.. perhaps to do with the late nights? only God knows..

the day went by.. more like the arvo went by. the sickness was getting more and more fucked up. felt like as if something was draining every bit of me. now i'm feeling like a poodle waiting to be fucked. so knackered..

went to two 21st birthday parties last night. gratz on turning 21 Kaman and Waen Yien ;) grown-up..yea! both so awesome. with the first one feeling a little out of place though..i was the only one from different class after all. not the only one but the only quiet freakazoidal one. so typical me hah.. the second party, went up to papar, drove all the way there (someone else did.me the passenger coolness).. aweshome.. 'twas all fun..

one thing though. promised my friend that i'd go to ice bar for the after party of the first birthday gal..and the thing was that i received the invitation to the 'papar-ish party' the day before y'day. PARTY CLASHES DETECTED. so.. i did what i do best.. to please every party, i had to bail on the ice bar thing and attended the first part of the party instead.was a dinner gathering sort of party btw. that way i could make it to papar for the second party of the night.

that..somehow..pissed my friend off. sorry laura. hope you had great deal of fun last night..

and so yea the parties last night. oh and about the house hunting matter.. one of my house-hunting angels, olivia's got us a place.. it's her uncle's. well..in fact..she's always been the ONE house-hunting angel hahaaa. yea. the place's at Osborne park..somewhere northie yet close to the city..i spose. the rent is.. $170/week for the whole unit. a two-room unit. YES! God is amazing. God is so good. thanked God for that like immensely.. so i thought we got the house and was spreading the news around. only to find out that it hasn't been confirmed yet.

i started worrying. worrying that the house's given to someone else. worrying that we might not get the house. together with the sickness the sore throat. the last-minute-bailing-on-laura guilt. the worry that the primary school little get-together tonight might not go as well as i hope it would be. all these.. are tiring me out.. LEAVE ME ALONE tiredness! i'm tired of being tired :(

i remember one thing though. got this from the senior pastor of Glory church. he once mentioned that out of the things we worry about, 70% of which never happen, 20% of which happen but can be solved/prevented, 10% of which happen and you can't do anything about it. so..WHY WORRY? pray to God and do your best and there's nothing to be worry about. but..it's my nature to worry.over-worry. i'm always so worried. stop. being. worried. thank you.

something i wanted to say but kinda forgot.. but yea. feeling much better babbling out all these. :) thanks for reading if you are reading. thank you. bye now.

add-on. the thing i 'kinda forgot' earlier on.. perhaps it's just me but recently, when i talk to the ladies, i feel like i'm hitting on them.like..flirting. whatever i say, when i look back, it just sounds flirtatious for some reason. this is a serious matter. i don't flirt.