at this time of the night..

i'm tired of everything..

so everything.. in this world.

i'm not gonna shoot myself in my throat/bang my head against the wall/slit my own wrist.. so worry not.

just.. at this time of the night. i'm tired.
just.. at this time of the night. i think a lot. A LOT. mostly random stuff though. still.. depressing thoughts come flooding in like always. at this time of the night.

tired of assignments. tired of uni. tired of being tired..

all these feelings are gonna be gone when i wake up in the morning hearing the chirping birds get penetrated by sunlight. awesome.

tired..

the following weeks are gonna be so completely full-on. like full-on full-on.
i've got one lab report due this thursday. one test this friday.
one assignment due next tuesday. another 2000-word essay and one lab report due the same friday.
then a lab report due the thursday after.
followed by a 50% exam on the monday after. another two tests on the same friday.
still.. not done yet.
a major report due the monday after. and a final assignment due the same tuesday.

*two weeks to study for exams*

exams.

this is depressing.

haven't started any of the things stated above. awesome.

g'nite.

inebriation

shouldn't have drunk.

i'm a fucking asian lacking of ADH-expressing gene. whatever it is.

'twas a pharmacology lab. yesterday. ethanol prac where brain function was tested. volunteers had to drink ethanol and perform a series of tasks, results compared with another non-drinker performing the same tasks.

thought it was fun to get wasted in a lab. apparently it wasn't..

well it was. during the lab. but the aftermath.. terrible.

chugged the whole cup of 50/50 ethanol + coke. terrible taste. i felt just fine for the first few mins but when time elapsed the alcohol started to unleash its true colors.

i got the typical asian-flush at first. still feeling sober but with a wee bit of tipsiness.

started to act like a fool. laughing around with the bloodshot eyes and the lobstery face. i successfully attained drunkenness level 10. it was full-on.

got even worse. couldn't even type properly. went onto facebook and dropped bullcraps everywhere. at one point, i fell asleep doing one of the tasks. embarrassment to its best i would say.

done with the lab, not knowing what i'd actually done. waiting for the bus. there i go. vomited for the first time that day. the chunder came flushing out of my mouth. i could literally taste the cocktail i had at the tip of my tongue. if that wasn't good enough, the barf found its way to come out through my nostrils. i made a complete fool of myself.

got on the bus feeling so much better throwing up every possible thing i had. well technically nothing much cos we had to fast for four hours before the lab. i basically had nothing but a bowl of cereal + milk when the sunlight penetrated the chirping birds. so i got to the busport and grabbed a cheese sausage - my all time favorite snack at the busport. for some reason i felt sick chewing the greasiness which i normally LOVE. chucked the rest of the sausage into the bin. started to feel sick again.

got to ivan's place waiting for pastor to pick us up to the bible study. 'twas a bad idea to attend. should of just gone home and slept my night away. that way things wouldn't have happened the way it had.

"Nothing good happens when you get wasted". true story.

lying on his bed feeling like a fool. with him doing his thing at the computer. i started to feel like vomiting like again. thought it was just an illusion so i was trying so hard to stop it from really coming out. just right the moment the vomit-switch in me got turned on, i had no control over the sphincters no more and the vomit came flooding out. right ON his floor. his CARPET floor. should of gone to bathroom earlier so this mess would not have happened. at that instance, i felt like the guiltiest person on earth. the worst thing that could possibly go wrong had. just a little bit of details, the second vomit got sausage in it. of course with a whole lot of the stomach digested chyme. disgusting.

still feeling guilty. to ivan. and his carpet.

hopped on to pastor's car. hangover just reached the top of the mountain. got to the bible study. had a cuppa. felt better. sat down.... singing.... reading verses....

as the night progressed, i felt sleepier each time i tried to stay awake. dozed off so bad that at one point i had to leave the group and rest myself at the corner.

woke up. the study was done for the night. still feeling a tad inebriated, i had some corn chips and fruits. scrumptious. chit-chatting away. laughing. joyous moment. and i don't know what was wrong with me that i had to spoil every single moment when ppl were enjoying their time. i stood up. covering my mouth. yea.. rushed to the toilet and UGH. i vomited for the third time. this time i could taste the corn chips slipping through the surface of my tongue. gross.

went home. showered. had a proper meal - toast with jam. feeling nice and warm. went to bed. still.. feeling a LITTLE BIT hangoverish.

woke up this morning. feeling so much better. thinking of all the things i did yesterday, i literally wanted to bang my head against the wall. only if that could reimburse the FOOL i made myself.
and i saw this on @IvanLiaw's twitter:

"@winceeee what sucks is that he had to come over and puke on my carpet ><"

can someone please stab me right now? sideways, front, back. doesn't matter. just stab me to death. i'm now officially dreadful of the smell of alcohol. atrocious feeling.. ugh.. so kids. NEVER EVER booze if you're not aware of how bad you are with alcohol. N.E.V.E.R.

wagger much?

again. one of those days. you wake up, staring outside the window, it's rainless. birds chirping. sunlight penetrating the chirping birds. as usual. awesomee.

slept at 6.30am. guess what that means. even a retard can get it right hah.. i missed my two lectures today. one at 11am one at 1pm. wagging is never really my thing. well at least it wasn't until last semester.

came to a friend's place to help her build her architectural model last night. wound up watching 'friends' instead. awesome:) yes. 'friends' all-nighter. cooliooo. hence the turning in at 6.30am.

now. it got me thinking..

am i doing this too much? skipping lectures.though i can catch up with everything eventually. smartass i am what do you expect. despite the smartass quality of mine, this is not right. wagging is never right.

"Kita tidak patut ponteng kelas suka hati" (whatever the phrasing is you get what i mean)

still.. the wronger the thing is, the more you'd like to do it. even though you know it's not right. you still go ahead and be all i-don't-care.and DO IT. when it's done, guilt comes knocking on your door. tamed. for a short bit. go wild all over again. and the cycle never stops. let's just call this "yog's awesome postulation of stupid you-know-you-want-me cycle". never doubt my randomness.

just like wagging. felt bad when you wagged for the first time.felt slightly better but still bad the second time. the third time. the fourth. the fifth.. "I become so numb!" and there you go. it's a never-ending story.

but still.i can't seem to stress this enough. i'll still be able to catch up with all the classes i've missed and turns out to be an awesome swine. awesome indeed. true story.

"when i get sick. i stop being sick, and be awesome instead" (barney stinson, himym) awesomeness it is:)

awesome.

did i mention October's stairway to hell for me? this is the last possible week for me to play all i want do whatever frickin' fun stuff i want. once it's october, assignments followed by assignments, tests and tests and..um.. tests? and exams. no. exam's in Nov. my bad..

oh wait. what's that noise? ... right. it's ivan snoring like one awesome swine. ivan - the one friend of mine whom i do all the bad stuff with hah.. fun stuff..

can't seem to clear up my mind. all sorts of thoughts found entangled within my awesome brain. moving out. job hunting. expenses. clothes to be worn tmr.. hah

running out of brain juice. starving. pointless post indeed. as usual. awesome.

whatever title it is..

vulnerability is what i'm feeding on atm.

lately, i feel SO depressed like all of a sudden.for some reason. sitting in my room. facebooking. doing nothing. PAMM. depressed..

wonder if i've contracted some sort of neurologic diseases.. schizophrenia perhaps. beware of ME.
probably that's why my hands have been shaking like popcorn machine for the past 19 years. i have yet-to-surface awesome disease. an awesome one.

rant rant rant..

what's the purpose of living anyway.. not that i'm having thoughts of committing suicide. just wondering. well of course other than to serve God.what else? i'm lost..

:)

cor blimey! english accent's hot ;) so bloody scorching HOT. random much huh. ...

friends come and go. they do. do they? well not for me but.it seems like that to me.. like one day all my friends are gonna leave me. i'ma die alone. on my tombstone " lonely old man with no friends who died in a car accident while roller-blading"

so many thoughts running through my head right now. random thoughts. not so random thoughts. some serious thoughts. i'm never a serious person am i.. how pathetic hah..

future. what about future? to be a doctor? a janitor? to get married? or not?
near future. what about it? still slacking like the filthy rich's kid?

i know i'm awesome..

maybe not so.........

it's just one of those moments where you feel like everyone in the world hates you. i still love myself though. no matter what :) *narcissism to its finest*

going to A.S.I.A Cocktail tonight. one of the most well-known annual fob events. it's gonna be packed to the rafters.seriously.2000+ ppl? drunk-dancing on the dancefloor? don't think so..

prolly it's just me. i want my friends to care about me like i care about them. even on some teeny trivial inconspicuous matters. i want them to SHOW me that they care. call me a sensitive emotional douchebag. whatever.

oh. i've been doing this one thing since i can remember. i'm a people-pleaser :) have i ever said no to any favor? people-pleaser i am. a pp who never expresses his stupid struggling self, who always presents himself as a happy-go-lucky TLN. feel sad? bury the sadness.keep it down as much as possible and put on a typical hypocritical grin. .... thought it was a good thing though hah..

emo much? :) feel so much better. just wanted to find some way to 'share' my feelings.at the same time thought i should really update this crappy blog a little. though no one's reading anyway hah..

that's all for now. don't forget, i'm awesome.