depression

don't mean to be all depressed and neglectful. YOU made me do it.

one frickin' sentence from you can make my day. or.. ruin the whole day for me.

this is SAD.

i probably have depression, as in clinically pathologically depressed that i may not know of. or Parkinson's Disease..the one that comes with depression. and shaky hands. and wrinkly skin.

i might not seem to be bothered, or worse, be offended but deep down I DO CARE. it hurts so much that my heart's exaggeratedly broken into thousands of pieces when you probably don't mean what you just said. what can do..

it's so right that when you love someone until it's got to certain point, or what i'd rather call the boiling point, the hatred's gonna start building up and you'll feel so obnoxious of whatever that's done by that someone. ain't that a bitch.

i'm zonked out. so. very. knackered. shouldn't really do long-time-contact-lenses.

tonnes more to express but just too tired to clear up my mind. not to mention writing it all out. Oh God, guide me through this and hopefully everything's gonna turn out just fine after one good night sleep.

nighty. night.

car crash

it wasn't exactly a car crash with like casualties all over the place. just me. and a truck involved.

sent mom to work, driving back home as usual, and saw this huge line so decided to take over to the left lane.. i saw the truck coming and kinda knew it was coming in a nasty speed. for God knows what reason i signaled, and i just took over without even bothering the 'upcoming' truck.. so i was like all nonchalant driving my car doing my thing and BAMMM! Cor Blimey i felt a sudden BAMM-ness and BAMMM BAMMMM and everything was so BAMMM and BAMMM.. my mind went completely blank.. so what happened was that the truck SCRATCHED through my car and all i managed to know was the left side mirror was gone and the doors on the left side were like..ruined. see the 'SCRATCHED' i used..it was a HUGEASS scratch.

i was scared. i DROVE OFF. like that. i was terrified.. didn't know what to do.. was driving home and everything was.. so.. scary.. the thought of it.. and yes i didn't stop at the side of the road to argue and called the police whatever. and it was pretty clear that it was my fault. i didn't know what to do so i drove off.. what a sinner i was.. am.. was.. whatever..

called my mom right away but she didn't answer. so i got home and called her office and i got scolded.. yes.i should of stopped and lodged a police report or something. to claim the insurance.. now.. everything's just so much more complicated. damn.

so i called laura to cancel the movie-session we were gonna have later on. thanks for the comfort and no you're not a property's ruiner dw:) hahaa it's all good.

yes. DAMN. perhaps i'm not born a good driver. don't think i'll drive anytime soon. not to mention to speed on a bloody carless highway.. sighness.

but thank God that i'm still alive..intact.. perhaps it's time i started to be more careful on the road.. should have been cautious since the first day though. yea right.

i used to sarcastically boasted that i never got involved in a car accident before. so proud of it and all. now this is what we call karma or whatever it is.. and this is def worse than 'getting' involved cos i ditched like a bitch.. it's all your fault Britney! Spears..

one funny thing though.. the scream i uttered when all that happened..was HILARIOUS. HAHA i couldn't help to think of that scream that came out of me throat. 'twas just hysterical..

yea. still in shock. :(

frustration. so knackered. the guilt. pharyngitis.

woke up. thought it was gonna be a good day despite the little sore throat that struck me for no reason.. perhaps to do with the late nights? only God knows..

the day went by.. more like the arvo went by. the sickness was getting more and more fucked up. felt like as if something was draining every bit of me. now i'm feeling like a poodle waiting to be fucked. so knackered..

went to two 21st birthday parties last night. gratz on turning 21 Kaman and Waen Yien ;) grown-up..yea! both so awesome. with the first one feeling a little out of place though..i was the only one from different class after all. not the only one but the only quiet freakazoidal one. so typical me hah.. the second party, went up to papar, drove all the way there (someone else did.me the passenger coolness).. aweshome.. 'twas all fun..

one thing though. promised my friend that i'd go to ice bar for the after party of the first birthday gal..and the thing was that i received the invitation to the 'papar-ish party' the day before y'day. PARTY CLASHES DETECTED. so.. i did what i do best.. to please every party, i had to bail on the ice bar thing and attended the first part of the party instead.was a dinner gathering sort of party btw. that way i could make it to papar for the second party of the night.

that..somehow..pissed my friend off. sorry laura. hope you had great deal of fun last night..

and so yea the parties last night. oh and about the house hunting matter.. one of my house-hunting angels, olivia's got us a place.. it's her uncle's. well..in fact..she's always been the ONE house-hunting angel hahaaa. yea. the place's at Osborne park..somewhere northie yet close to the city..i spose. the rent is.. $170/week for the whole unit. a two-room unit. YES! God is amazing. God is so good. thanked God for that like immensely.. so i thought we got the house and was spreading the news around. only to find out that it hasn't been confirmed yet.

i started worrying. worrying that the house's given to someone else. worrying that we might not get the house. together with the sickness the sore throat. the last-minute-bailing-on-laura guilt. the worry that the primary school little get-together tonight might not go as well as i hope it would be. all these.. are tiring me out.. LEAVE ME ALONE tiredness! i'm tired of being tired :(

i remember one thing though. got this from the senior pastor of Glory church. he once mentioned that out of the things we worry about, 70% of which never happen, 20% of which happen but can be solved/prevented, 10% of which happen and you can't do anything about it. so..WHY WORRY? pray to God and do your best and there's nothing to be worry about. but..it's my nature to worry.over-worry. i'm always so worried. stop. being. worried. thank you.

something i wanted to say but kinda forgot.. but yea. feeling much better babbling out all these. :) thanks for reading if you are reading. thank you. bye now.

add-on. the thing i 'kinda forgot' earlier on.. perhaps it's just me but recently, when i talk to the ladies, i feel like i'm hitting on them.like..flirting. whatever i say, when i look back, it just sounds flirtatious for some reason. this is a serious matter. i don't flirt.

Be Still My Soul

i was folding clothes. as usual. like nonchalantly all care-free clothes-folding.

was playing this hymn called "Be Still My Soul" by Don Moen. this is one of the songs our church choir is gonna present tmr at one fund raising event for the church. thought it sounded nice so i dl'd it and put it on replay mode.

i was like all fine and whistling (not that i can whistle lol) and all of a sudden, the chorus struck my head "Be still my soul... God knows your way... and He will guide... for His name's sake"

my eyes turned teary. the switch was on. just like that. there i was, folding clothes, crying to the song, thinking "thank you God for touching my soul"

i felt it.

that very splashingly splendid moment, i felt it. God's always there for us.

Thank You God for letting me find my way to You. or.. bringing me to You. whichever it is, thank You God.

oh yea. i joined the church choir. since i figured i'm good at nothing but i like singing. might as well join the choir. and the turnout's unexpectedly amazing.

i'm truly blessed. i am. though there have been a little trouble going on with all the house-hunting, packing, and time-clashes for that matter.
but i believe it'll all turn out to be alright.
"Be still my soul, I will guide your way"

praise the Lord!

it's just a few clicks away..

click 'option', 'reply', then, type your heart out and reply the frickin' sms already!

this is what i don't like. when you receive a msg, REPLY! whether a simple 'yes/no' would be fine. unless you phone's out of credit. otherwise, just reply the one who sends you msg.

not that i obey the rule myself. loll. i sometimes don't reply when i see a msg. for some reason.

but seriously.. reply..

well for my case, when i see a msg, you're lucky if i'm in the mood of replying msg. but if i'm not, you're gonna receive my reply few days after..or never. which irritates i know.

i always contradict myself with my words. yea i do.

here's one more thing. if you don't get a reply, either the person hates you and cbf replying your sms. or.. OR.. the person's simply a slothful tush who can't even be bothered exercising his thumbs. i'm the latter.

but when i'm in the mood. i literally SPAM your inbox. yea as in send spam meats to your inbox. DUH.

hahaa random post. bye. i'm not exasperated at all.

fluctuation

blogging at this time of the night. can't be anything good.

i've been feeling deliriously emotionally unstable the whole night. the kind of icky feeling i loathe the most.

call it the post-exams trauma or whatever.
nothing remotely related to exams though..

well. technically speaking. it's still about exams after all. exams in general.

nah. not me. i never fail in exams. i'm a nerd. a nerd never flunks academically.

right. the 'fluctuation'..

perhaps i'm like zonked out after a whole day out of choir practice, maccas-ing, supposedly haircut session turned into aimless wandering around the city, karaoke session, and now newspaper-house-hunting..

prolly just too much for a day. FOR ME.
well of course.. with some 'external factors' contributing to the damn fool 'fluctuation' of mood.

stupidity to its finest.

why do i even get upset over such trivial matters.

what a bitch..

vague much? i know. am aware of the vagueness. exactly the whole point of blogging isn't it :)
aahh. the beauty of being indistinct. love it! :)

seriously. there's something with blogging. i def feel better letting all the bottom-of-the-heart craps out here. something.. something.. oh well.

gotta get back to house-hunting. need some luck here.

at this time of the night..

i'm tired of everything..

so everything.. in this world.

i'm not gonna shoot myself in my throat/bang my head against the wall/slit my own wrist.. so worry not.

just.. at this time of the night. i'm tired.
just.. at this time of the night. i think a lot. A LOT. mostly random stuff though. still.. depressing thoughts come flooding in like always. at this time of the night.

tired of assignments. tired of uni. tired of being tired..

all these feelings are gonna be gone when i wake up in the morning hearing the chirping birds get penetrated by sunlight. awesome.

tired..

the following weeks are gonna be so completely full-on. like full-on full-on.
i've got one lab report due this thursday. one test this friday.
one assignment due next tuesday. another 2000-word essay and one lab report due the same friday.
then a lab report due the thursday after.
followed by a 50% exam on the monday after. another two tests on the same friday.
still.. not done yet.
a major report due the monday after. and a final assignment due the same tuesday.

*two weeks to study for exams*

exams.

this is depressing.

haven't started any of the things stated above. awesome.

g'nite.