I know what you did last summer...

Just few months ago when summer holiday began, 4 of us went on a road trip, we drove all night, boozing and dancing in the car, blasting rockin' music ..Shut Up and Drive Drive Drive.. and we all felt like we were enjoying the time of our lives. Just then an asshole fisherman crossed the road and got hit by our car!

"oh my effing god what should we do?!"
"stay calm....stay calm....sta...we just killed a man!"
"dude it was a manslaughter just do the hit-and-run thing already! you don't wanna get caught do ya?!"
"WTF?!"...
and we live happily ever after.

enough with the pain in the ass story telling time lol.. holiday! that's the one thing that every single student looks forward to all the time, and i'm a huge fan of it! i love having nothing to do, i love being a mould-growing person, i love watching series 24/7, i love it when i'm in holiday! just love it.. and one thing about being one of the zhongers, GAMBLING is all that matters! lol just kidding gathering is what i meant, seriously don't judge me on that.. *gambling rules!*

yup gambling! i wasn't such a part of it until the first ever gambling i had since i got back from perth, the unforgettable christmas' eve at my house! we had Rami, 9 pts, black jack.. since then i started to get addicted to being a money-risker.. New year's eve, weekdays, weekends, pre-CNY, CNY, post-CNY.. ........ wow........ didn't realize i gambled so much. lol. until the day before, or few days ago, Jasmine, ah liau, kanasai, myself and kar ling were playing Rami at kar ling's house.. started 2pm sth, ramiing all the way until 6.30pm.. we could have left earlier but you know what GAMBLER stands for.. Guys Aiming Making Billion ₤ Ended-up Rotten.. lol that was a bad one.. we kept playing and couldn't seem to get ourselves out of it.. we only stopped when my sister, ah liau's mom, and someone else i forgot who called and....we stopped, with one last round before we left..lol.. it was 6.30pm, my sis got her tuition at 7.20pm, 50 mins interval with 3 places to go, first off Lintas, sending kanasai home, next station Inanam, ah liau's turn, last stop Kingfisher, sending queen Jasmine home, guess what with my super-skilled don't-get-in-my-way-or-you-will-die driving, i managed to reach home at 7.20pm..where i was supposed to be 10mins earlier lol. what to do we're gamblers! lol i then hastily send my sis to her tuition in less than 10mins' time, the fastest ever lol. well i guess my fellow passengers that day felt all the same that night "Thank God i'm alive!" lol seriously recall of how i drove that day, heady, heedless, foolhardy, inhumane, insensate, cold-blooded, every possible word that you could use to describe a reckless driver, that was how i drove that day..they nearly passed out on their ways back home. Thank God I'm Alive! lol

that's the point, when i headed home after sending my sis to her tuition, i kept thinking to myself, how could i be so gamblish that i nearly didn't make it for things that are more crucial, than gambling at the least.. i felt so remorsed on my way back, alone, thinking of the gamblishness that almost got myself killed (my sis lol), feeling so compunctioned that I ALMOST WET.. lol.. i still felt i wasn't doing things right that night and it got me tossing about in bed, i could barely fall asleep that night, well i did at last and it was something like 3.30am..woke up the next morning with a big-disney-princess-morning-yawn, with big breath for sure (lol thats not true at all)..guess what.. i was like what's going on yeserday.. and i carry on gambling and live happily ever after.. -.-凸

well that pretty much is what did the whole "summer", oh how can we not mention anything about the zhonger-hangouts. we had quite a few times of gathering but none of them was 100% attendance.. diff areas what can do unless there's this Zhong university with the 56 of us and will be closed down and demolished after our graduation right away. ha. ha. ha.. it was great seeing the zhongers after almost a year.. sitting around talking about basically everything, studies, environment, SEX life lol it's not like anyone of us has one but we just talked about it, enjoying talking about it so much some more *evil grin* we once sat down and the longest ever conversation took off, that longest ever lasted nearly 5 hours..from 8pm to 1am.. oh btw it was at Jasper's house where the others were G-ing, the ones that took part were the three-eighty zhongers : yogurt, wc, lolo, ah liau, waen yien. "The Unbeatable Five" lol that was a great night having to get back together and just bombard our past-one-year experiences.. we even hung out twice in 4 days at the exact same place, with the aussie gang..well mostly aussie cos others were either back to study or didn't come back at all. gahh just too much to reminisce, thousands of gatherings wouldn't be enough anyway.. wish we could go back to the old time doing things together. sigh-ness. i'm not sure about you guys but i quite often feel nostalgic whenever something reminds me of our high school life, even if there's only a unnoticeable amount of "stimulant". sigh-ness.

5 more days, 5 more fucking days and i'm gonna pack my belongings and leave, for study. though i don't feel as reluctant as last time when i left, there's still something i miss about being here in my hometown. it's my home after all.. bak kata pepatah "bird fly high high at last pun fly back to their own nest" lol that was so improvised what a smart-pant i am :p it might be different this time cos when i go back i'll have to seriously find myself a job, or i won't be able to pay any of the fees, well other than tuition fees for sure, living expenses is what i meant.. well i've been thinking, again, to myself, it won't be that bad to work right, i can't be worse than watching your grandparents making love.......that was rude..and disgusting! eeewww! i said that! no! ok forget.. forget what i said.. so i'm convincing myself that working is not really a bad thing, you can earn money, you can learn something special, you can experience life, see? there's 3 good things already lol. and finally after a couple of days of contemplation and self-hypnotizing, i made it! i get passed myself! working will be fine! so fine.. i'm gonna find one fucking job and fucking do it, earn fucking money, pay those fucking expenses and i'm so gonna shop the hell out of it.. damn! I FEEL GOOD~ dadadadadada..

wow what a long post i better stop.. haha couldn't help but kept on writing and it came out like this, i'm truly shocked. *oh my god i'm shocked* still the same old yog's cliche.."Don't miss me too much!" :p take care peeps won't be updating anytime soon.. unless i'm feeling the urge to do so lol.

ah, ha, ha, ha, Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive!

i'm staying alive!

yes.. i'm staying alive! i'm doing some revision right now but just received a call from my mom.. i thought it was gonna be some sort of ranting or what so i answered the call expecting NOTHING.. she then asked me what was i doing how's study going sort of stuff.. then.. she said,

"I have a good news for you, your aunt just called (yes the aunt paying all my fees), and she said if you do great in this semester she'll let you proceed your study in aussie!"......

I was STUNNED.. totally.. staying surprised for a few sec and that Joker's face started coming to me and sticked on my face.. I tried to sound calmed.. at the same time i burst out laughing in my mind.. woohohoho~ then my mom told me that she told my aunt about the aussie dollars dropping thing and me getting PR thing and my aunt agreed and.........I can stay if i get good results for this semester!

Ole Ole Ole Ole~~ i'm so on cloud nine right now!! walking on air to the seventh heaven!! yiiihaaaaaaaaaaa~~ it all just boost my mood to study harder but before that i'd have to express my extreme happiness at this particular moment!! Wuuuhaaaa~~ (and i just checked my grade for the last Chem lab i had, again, i got a HD! that's so wonderful)

All these just sum up my mood right now.. mary had a little lamb~ london bridge is faling down~ smiley faces cheerful heart~ lalalalalaa~ gotta study now.. catch up with you guys soon! ;)

STRESSED!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! wish i could go all the way to beach and SCREAM out everything within me..i'm so so so STRESSED!! holy moses..but i have no idea what i'm stressing for..quite several reasons combine and give birth to this holy fucking stress..seriously..i'm really torn apart..fucked up..not that bad..just feeling horrible..well i guess here are some reasons i could come up with..

-spent the whole weekend slacking instead of doing something meaningful (assignment..)
-fucking unreasonably long hair..(not exactly that long but it's annoying me! constantly!)
-will i stay or will i go stuff..my mom just found out that IMU is really a high standard institute(in fact it is..) and seems like 80% of the chance i'm going there next year, which is so to my dismay..
-McD part time job thing..the one i intended to apply for is currently not hiring any staff..damn it..
-some other trivial matters which contribute to this whole STRESS thing..which is fucking annoying!!

i'm supposed to get in bed soon..but what the MARTA FOCKER i couldn't close my eyes..once i do terrible matters keep pestering me..those stressful fucking idiots..damn it..i'm so not good when it comes to stress management..never got into such fucked up emotion before..darn it..

one more thing..i'm feeling terribly empty right now..like i've done nothing and have nothing to do..totally helpless feeling which i hate the most! what the fak..something please! fill me up! whatever it is just please..make me feel better..

gees..hopefully i'll get better tmr..and hopefully everything goes well..hopefully..

Will I stay or will I go?

I don't know..I don't know how long i can take this..it's gonna burst out of nowhere..but I don't want to..I really don't want to...
_____________________________________________________________________

Well here's another thing, not the crazy grumble above, totally not related, so please, don't senka senka imagine everything thanks =p It's about my future, again. Was chatting with my mum through MSN few days ago, as I expected, the "will i stay or will i go" thing was brought up, which I try so hard to stave off. yea, i'm too a coward to face reality. She then mentioned something about IMU, which is a great medical school in Malaysia. She found out (actually my aunt who pays all my fees did) that IMU actually offers Biomedical Science degree (yup the thing i'm doing) but it's a brand new course, will be commencing next year or something. Gees! of course i don't want to study in KL (no offense to people studying in KL), nothing much, just that i simply don't like KL, that's it.

Well we had a pretty serious talk (which is so not my style lol) about my future. I told her the thing that I might want to pursue my master degree after i graduate this Biomed thing, get a PR and get a job something, and then we carried on with another half an hour crap of, again, stuff about my future, kept telling me to be serious and be independent, who doesn't know! i mean, it's not easy to just step up like that, and the thing is, it feels kinda weird that i'm becoming an adult, dealing with my own stuff, starting to worry about life, so and so..sooner or later i'm gonna deal with all these cruel inhumane unethical life-sucking-problems, i know..yea, i know..and i will.. anyway, we then chatted about the utterly sucky economy nowadays and inevitably MONEY was dragged into our conversation. yea economy is deteriorating like it never had before, which sucks.

I got this surge of courage at that particular moment and i told my mum that "I don't want to go to KL" and there it was, she told me that she doesn't want me to go also, considering career opportunities and other fucking matters. Well honestly i was god-damningly glad at the moment hearing this sort of thing, but life doesn't always go the way you want it to, she then mentioned the fact that economy sucks and it's not easy for her to ask any more money from my aunt (though i'll pay her back when i work but...). My mum then "cited" the best quote of all time, "do the best, expect the worst" and if it really doesn't work, i'll really have to go to IMU or other institutions next year. In the end, we had an agreement, she gave me 2 weeks time to gather all the information i could about the PR thing and details about the course and my plan, to "support" the point that i'm staying so to facilitate my PR application in the future when she "debates" with my aunt. Lol! that sounds serious but it's not lol..my mum said she'll talk to my aunt that i'm staying for XXX reason and is for the best blah blah. So, yea..the biggest homework ever..

It's been few days and i've been doing research, little research. Nothing much, browsing through IMU website, squandering time, typical me lol, will continue this research thing, it's tough but i'ma pull this through! I seriously am. All the best to myself! I really really really hope that i cn stay, i know it's really expensive studying here but i'm gonna work harder in the future to pay back whatever debts (if there is any). I wanna stay..

What to do?

It has been ages since I cried. I can still recall myself crying on the plane the day I left my friends and family to pursue my study oversea. That doesn't sound like something that I should cry for, I just couldn't control the tears from shedding and my body from trembling, or perhaps twitching, the harder I tried to inhibit it from occurring, my body just went the opposite way and turned out trembling even more terrible. PUFF. I cried, just like that, like my life was over. I was trying so damn hard to hide my emotion but I failed. That was a crying of reluctance of separation. After all the settling down here at Perth and things went pretty well as they seemed, I then realized that the world wasn't over so soon. Few months later, I cried again...

Just a few minutes before this post, I spilt my tears, it was merely a mild weeping though, this time, was a weeping of don't-know-what-to-do, my mind was in a total chaos,or call it dilemma, I felt so helpless, never felt worse since my 1st day here. Well, here's the reason..

It's gonna be the 2nd semester of my 1st year study, for sure, tuition fees should be paid before the term starts, which is 28 July. For some of you might know, my family is not wealthy at all, I should consider myself so lucky that I get to study here. FYI, It's not my mom who renders all the expenses and tuition fee, my aunt does. I know it's not a small amount for me to complete my study here, rising of Aussie dollars somewhat burdens my aunt and family more. So I understand that I shouldn't take all these for granted and I never did (but I've been a little out of control recently cause this holiday bores me so much that I keep spending money on unnecessary things). Until just now, I called my aunt for the 2nd semester tuition fee. I was struggling to call her cause it's always so uneasy to ask someone especially an elder for money, I spent almost a week to build up my mind and finally, I made my call (it was so tough, believe me, it was tougher than you could imagine).

My heart was beating so rapidly, adrenalin level rose so spontaneously, perspiration dripping all over my body, I was so near to suffocation. gosh!.. alright, that's a little off-limit haha. She picked up her phone, there I started my taking-me-one-week and not well prepared "speech". I thought that was all I needed to do and she's gonna pay all my fees until the day I graduate, that had made up my thoughts leastwise. I wasn't expecting any other questions from my aunt, at least not some out of the blue questions. She started asking me about the scholarship thing that I applied for before I came here, I told her that there still hasn't been any word about it yet. She then said something kinda harsh, maybe she didn't mean to be rough but her words just didn't come out right for me, she asked me why I would make my decision so hastily to study here before the scholarship thing's done, she said that I should wait for the scholarship to be adopted before I made up my mind to go anywhere else, and she said that how I could be going to study oversea without any confirmation of the scholarship thing. Frankly speaking, I was stunned by what my aunt just said, not blaming her for those words but perhaps I'm just too sensitive to perceive something so..sensitive. For the fact that she has her own children to take care of, I really couldn't charge her for saying something like that. She then asked me if it's possible to carry over my study at KL and back to Perth during my final year, which I'm very reluctant of. I would have done that if I wanted to do so for the first time. Not that I'm dissing those who study in KL, it's just personal. She told me that it would be nicer if I continue my following years in KL so that it won't be such a great burden on her since she still has two kids to worry about. She would still pay for the 2nd semester tuition fee though. I told her with fully unwillingness that I would try to contact my agent if she could help me with all these, tears were brimming at that second.

I was enjoying a show called "Whose line is it anyway?" at the moment with cookies in my mouth, still laughing my ass off before the call. Totally dazed after the conversation with my aunt, leaving myself with my cookies and the comedy on the screen, I felt lonely, scared, somehow petrified, as I said, helpless, cause I don't want to pack my bags to KL next year! But it's the reality that leaves me no choice, AAHHH! I was in so a contradiction. I hate this feeling, and right after she hung up, I cried. Staring at my laptop screen showing the everyone-laughing-scene, I couldn't even fake a smile. A part of me was thinking to accept the reality but another part of me was strongly opposing that idea. After the crying-out-not-so-loud, I tried to calm myself and here I am, typing all these, phew~feeling much better now, maybe crying helped nothing but at least, letting out my emotion making me feel so much easier. I realize that I should really do something other than plain crying like a baby, just that I don't like to deal with such situation, it makes me hate myself for being so useless that I can't even help with these things, the only thing I'm capable of is to do my best in this 2nd semester, and spend money wisely and carefully. I'm so much comforted after typing my thoughts out, gonna call my mom for a little discussion tomorrow. Hope I can sleep my night out peacefully later, don't mess me up, nightmare!

P.S. I really want to stay! ='(

Introspection..

Well, finally, i've received an offer letter from UWA! how thrilling..XD

But, before this, my mom scolded me for being too negligent.. like i didn't care anything about the enrolment of UWA..she said that i was just sitting in front the comp doing sth meaningless instead of applying scholarships, grants, whatever.. she also told me in such ironic way,"u dont want to study already, is it? huh? whenever i ask u to do sth and u always do things in such a slow mo..u shud know that when the offer letter has been sent to u, u have to pay within XX days, tahu? we dont even have suffeicient money to pay for the enrolment fees..don't think that this is a trifling matter.." *POOF POOF BOOM BOOM* the volcano in my heart was erupting!! how could u say such words? i don want to study anymore? ridiculous!! afterwards i kept my mouth shut all way long back-ing home..seriously, i hate that sensation!

yea, indeed, i was mad at her, for a few moments, but i pondered over after that about the attitude when i was dealing with this kind of stuff..i mean uni stuff, i was wrong actually..i should be more aggressive.. well, i did a lot of "things" to remedy my compunctious heart (cleaning my messy room, act like a good boy, blah blah blah..XD) nth why, don't ask me, just do so to let me feel better..wuakakaka^^

anyway, yea~i shud be more active in doing things next time, since i'm a passive dude currently (Daemon's test) hopefully i can alter myself after sometime..(but usually i wont be altering that quick..sure changing takes ages of time!! *smirk*)

Orite, i gotta do my stuff now, haha^^ see ya dudes!