at this time of the night..

i'm tired of everything..

so everything.. in this world.

i'm not gonna shoot myself in my throat/bang my head against the wall/slit my own wrist.. so worry not.

just.. at this time of the night. i'm tired.
just.. at this time of the night. i think a lot. A LOT. mostly random stuff though. still.. depressing thoughts come flooding in like always. at this time of the night.

tired of assignments. tired of uni. tired of being tired..

all these feelings are gonna be gone when i wake up in the morning hearing the chirping birds get penetrated by sunlight. awesome.

tired..

the following weeks are gonna be so completely full-on. like full-on full-on.
i've got one lab report due this thursday. one test this friday.
one assignment due next tuesday. another 2000-word essay and one lab report due the same friday.
then a lab report due the thursday after.
followed by a 50% exam on the monday after. another two tests on the same friday.
still.. not done yet.
a major report due the monday after. and a final assignment due the same tuesday.

*two weeks to study for exams*

exams.

this is depressing.

haven't started any of the things stated above. awesome.

g'nite.

inebriation

shouldn't have drunk.

i'm a fucking asian lacking of ADH-expressing gene. whatever it is.

'twas a pharmacology lab. yesterday. ethanol prac where brain function was tested. volunteers had to drink ethanol and perform a series of tasks, results compared with another non-drinker performing the same tasks.

thought it was fun to get wasted in a lab. apparently it wasn't..

well it was. during the lab. but the aftermath.. terrible.

chugged the whole cup of 50/50 ethanol + coke. terrible taste. i felt just fine for the first few mins but when time elapsed the alcohol started to unleash its true colors.

i got the typical asian-flush at first. still feeling sober but with a wee bit of tipsiness.

started to act like a fool. laughing around with the bloodshot eyes and the lobstery face. i successfully attained drunkenness level 10. it was full-on.

got even worse. couldn't even type properly. went onto facebook and dropped bullcraps everywhere. at one point, i fell asleep doing one of the tasks. embarrassment to its best i would say.

done with the lab, not knowing what i'd actually done. waiting for the bus. there i go. vomited for the first time that day. the chunder came flushing out of my mouth. i could literally taste the cocktail i had at the tip of my tongue. if that wasn't good enough, the barf found its way to come out through my nostrils. i made a complete fool of myself.

got on the bus feeling so much better throwing up every possible thing i had. well technically nothing much cos we had to fast for four hours before the lab. i basically had nothing but a bowl of cereal + milk when the sunlight penetrated the chirping birds. so i got to the busport and grabbed a cheese sausage - my all time favorite snack at the busport. for some reason i felt sick chewing the greasiness which i normally LOVE. chucked the rest of the sausage into the bin. started to feel sick again.

got to ivan's place waiting for pastor to pick us up to the bible study. 'twas a bad idea to attend. should of just gone home and slept my night away. that way things wouldn't have happened the way it had.

"Nothing good happens when you get wasted". true story.

lying on his bed feeling like a fool. with him doing his thing at the computer. i started to feel like vomiting like again. thought it was just an illusion so i was trying so hard to stop it from really coming out. just right the moment the vomit-switch in me got turned on, i had no control over the sphincters no more and the vomit came flooding out. right ON his floor. his CARPET floor. should of gone to bathroom earlier so this mess would not have happened. at that instance, i felt like the guiltiest person on earth. the worst thing that could possibly go wrong had. just a little bit of details, the second vomit got sausage in it. of course with a whole lot of the stomach digested chyme. disgusting.

still feeling guilty. to ivan. and his carpet.

hopped on to pastor's car. hangover just reached the top of the mountain. got to the bible study. had a cuppa. felt better. sat down.... singing.... reading verses....

as the night progressed, i felt sleepier each time i tried to stay awake. dozed off so bad that at one point i had to leave the group and rest myself at the corner.

woke up. the study was done for the night. still feeling a tad inebriated, i had some corn chips and fruits. scrumptious. chit-chatting away. laughing. joyous moment. and i don't know what was wrong with me that i had to spoil every single moment when ppl were enjoying their time. i stood up. covering my mouth. yea.. rushed to the toilet and UGH. i vomited for the third time. this time i could taste the corn chips slipping through the surface of my tongue. gross.

went home. showered. had a proper meal - toast with jam. feeling nice and warm. went to bed. still.. feeling a LITTLE BIT hangoverish.

woke up this morning. feeling so much better. thinking of all the things i did yesterday, i literally wanted to bang my head against the wall. only if that could reimburse the FOOL i made myself.
and i saw this on @IvanLiaw's twitter:

"@winceeee what sucks is that he had to come over and puke on my carpet ><"

can someone please stab me right now? sideways, front, back. doesn't matter. just stab me to death. i'm now officially dreadful of the smell of alcohol. atrocious feeling.. ugh.. so kids. NEVER EVER booze if you're not aware of how bad you are with alcohol. N.E.V.E.R.

wagger much?

again. one of those days. you wake up, staring outside the window, it's rainless. birds chirping. sunlight penetrating the chirping birds. as usual. awesomee.

slept at 6.30am. guess what that means. even a retard can get it right hah.. i missed my two lectures today. one at 11am one at 1pm. wagging is never really my thing. well at least it wasn't until last semester.

came to a friend's place to help her build her architectural model last night. wound up watching 'friends' instead. awesome:) yes. 'friends' all-nighter. cooliooo. hence the turning in at 6.30am.

now. it got me thinking..

am i doing this too much? skipping lectures.though i can catch up with everything eventually. smartass i am what do you expect. despite the smartass quality of mine, this is not right. wagging is never right.

"Kita tidak patut ponteng kelas suka hati" (whatever the phrasing is you get what i mean)

still.. the wronger the thing is, the more you'd like to do it. even though you know it's not right. you still go ahead and be all i-don't-care.and DO IT. when it's done, guilt comes knocking on your door. tamed. for a short bit. go wild all over again. and the cycle never stops. let's just call this "yog's awesome postulation of stupid you-know-you-want-me cycle". never doubt my randomness.

just like wagging. felt bad when you wagged for the first time.felt slightly better but still bad the second time. the third time. the fourth. the fifth.. "I become so numb!" and there you go. it's a never-ending story.

but still.i can't seem to stress this enough. i'll still be able to catch up with all the classes i've missed and turns out to be an awesome swine. awesome indeed. true story.

"when i get sick. i stop being sick, and be awesome instead" (barney stinson, himym) awesomeness it is:)

awesome.

did i mention October's stairway to hell for me? this is the last possible week for me to play all i want do whatever frickin' fun stuff i want. once it's october, assignments followed by assignments, tests and tests and..um.. tests? and exams. no. exam's in Nov. my bad..

oh wait. what's that noise? ... right. it's ivan snoring like one awesome swine. ivan - the one friend of mine whom i do all the bad stuff with hah.. fun stuff..

can't seem to clear up my mind. all sorts of thoughts found entangled within my awesome brain. moving out. job hunting. expenses. clothes to be worn tmr.. hah

running out of brain juice. starving. pointless post indeed. as usual. awesome.

whatever title it is..

vulnerability is what i'm feeding on atm.

lately, i feel SO depressed like all of a sudden.for some reason. sitting in my room. facebooking. doing nothing. PAMM. depressed..

wonder if i've contracted some sort of neurologic diseases.. schizophrenia perhaps. beware of ME.
probably that's why my hands have been shaking like popcorn machine for the past 19 years. i have yet-to-surface awesome disease. an awesome one.

rant rant rant..

what's the purpose of living anyway.. not that i'm having thoughts of committing suicide. just wondering. well of course other than to serve God.what else? i'm lost..

:)

cor blimey! english accent's hot ;) so bloody scorching HOT. random much huh. ...

friends come and go. they do. do they? well not for me but.it seems like that to me.. like one day all my friends are gonna leave me. i'ma die alone. on my tombstone " lonely old man with no friends who died in a car accident while roller-blading"

so many thoughts running through my head right now. random thoughts. not so random thoughts. some serious thoughts. i'm never a serious person am i.. how pathetic hah..

future. what about future? to be a doctor? a janitor? to get married? or not?
near future. what about it? still slacking like the filthy rich's kid?

i know i'm awesome..

maybe not so.........

it's just one of those moments where you feel like everyone in the world hates you. i still love myself though. no matter what :) *narcissism to its finest*

going to A.S.I.A Cocktail tonight. one of the most well-known annual fob events. it's gonna be packed to the rafters.seriously.2000+ ppl? drunk-dancing on the dancefloor? don't think so..

prolly it's just me. i want my friends to care about me like i care about them. even on some teeny trivial inconspicuous matters. i want them to SHOW me that they care. call me a sensitive emotional douchebag. whatever.

oh. i've been doing this one thing since i can remember. i'm a people-pleaser :) have i ever said no to any favor? people-pleaser i am. a pp who never expresses his stupid struggling self, who always presents himself as a happy-go-lucky TLN. feel sad? bury the sadness.keep it down as much as possible and put on a typical hypocritical grin. .... thought it was a good thing though hah..

emo much? :) feel so much better. just wanted to find some way to 'share' my feelings.at the same time thought i should really update this crappy blog a little. though no one's reading anyway hah..

that's all for now. don't forget, i'm awesome.

crumbled

6 days down, only 4 more left.

It's been totally unfruitful since the day the break began.
wasn't expecting such futile holiday, thought i'd be at least a little more aggressive.

1 lab report,
2 upcoming tests,
10+ left-behind lectures to catch up,
the part-time job matter,
things that should've be done before this break...

anyway, just to update a little of my procrastination status.
was facebooking and stumbled upon this news piece one of my friends posted.
not a close friend, but the story, it feels like as if i'm in it..
(feel sorry for this friend)

我有一个很爱我很爱我的婆婆。她一手把我带大。我从小她就非常的疼我。
每天回到家，她都会煮好午餐等待我们，一直到中学一直都没有改变。她年龄已经接近90了，可是每天都还是煮饭给我们吃。而且我都知道其实她中午就饿了，可是她汪汪都会忍耐，因为她要等我们-她的孙子回家，和她一起吃饭。我们每天回到家都已经是接近三点了，可是她总是风雨不改的等待我们，为我们开门。我很生气自己为什么那么爱发她的脾气。她不小心睡着，忘了开门，我们往往就会摆出不开心的脸。她站也已经站不稳了，耳朵也听得不是很清楚，可是她总是帮忙我们打理家里的一切一切。因为她总说没事做她会很不自在。她每次跟我们说道理，我们总是左耳进右耳出，有时可能会觉得不耐烦，现在想起真的觉得自己很过分。最近她在家里跌倒，进了医院，我当时听到真的吓了一大跳。可是前几天，她的状况总算变好了，出院了。那时我也比较安心了。可是，我还没机会和她说说电话，因为她的听力变得跟弱了。我刚刚收到我姐的简讯得知她今天早上睡了之后都叫不醒，因为她中风了。我当时听到我真的吓到了。我真的不知道我该怎么办。我真的真的好想回去看她！我很想念她！为什么我现在不在她的身边。。我除了哭，我还能做什么？？？希望她会安全的度过这一切。婆婆，我爱你！


it left me speechless. emotional.
i too have a grandma, not as aged, but does exactly the same things as my friend's grandma does.
i too sometimes vent my resentment at her, for no reason.

it left me thinking,
what if that's my grandma? what if she falls down from the stairs?
what if.. loads of what ifs started popping up.
i should feel lucky to have my grandma still alive and still staying healthy.
i mean, what was i thinking when i yelled at her or said something disrespectful to her.

i once told her that the shirt she bought for me was so hideous that there was no way in hell i was gonna wear it on the first day of cny. i was annoyed, those words just came up of nowhere, not being filtered, all spilt. that hurt. i was shocked that i'd say that, i felt terrible. i was hurt, she was, too, hurt, even worse. despite, she replied with composure, went to shower. i immediately felt like a jerk, an ass, a bitch, satan. figured i was way wrong, picked up my huge smile waiting until she came downstairs. things went fine when i talked and laughed like shit to her afterwards.

I did wear that shirt on cny.

I ♥ my grandma

Science? the -ologies?

microbiology, pathology, physiology, pharmacology, immunology, -ogy, -ogy, -ogy, -ogy.. GAH! wish they all became orgy, that would be so much more fun.

packed with 3-5 labs a week, on three consecutive days - Tue, Wed, Thur..
3-5 labs, which literally means for some weeks i have 3 labs/week, some 4 labs/week, the worst it can be --> 5 labs/week! which is THIS WEEK! damn it. before that lemme explain a little about the labs thing...

I'm doing 4 units (again as usual i don't wanna overload by taking 5 units..that's insane) this sem: Introductory Microbiology, Human structure and development, Physiology of human body systems, and Principles of pharmacology. pharmacology and that human struc thing are alright though, physiology isn't that terrible either, the most horrifying one: MICROBIOLOGY! eeww the lecturers have monotone aka hynotizing voice aka natural sleeping pill.. the lecture materials are....well since i've never really paid any attention since the 1st lecture (it was up to lecture 6 by last wed) so..no comment lol. and i just figured out one stuff, the major i'm planning to do next year, Pathobiology of Human Disease, and Human Oncology sth, both are stuff closely related to MICROBIO! SOS! hopefully it won't be that bad when i actually start focusing on the lectures and catch up all those left-behind lectures.. *fingers-crossed*

oh about the labs, for pharm, we only have 4 labs throughout the whole semester, and for phyl, we have alternative labs and tutes i.e. lab this week tute next week.. for the human struc unit we have 1 histology lab and 1 anatomy lab and i tute on the SAME FUCKING DAY BACK TO BACK from 11am-2pm! so fuck the what.. anyways for microbio, which is also the most fucked up unit of all, we have lab every wed.. so that's why sometimes i have 3 labs, sometimes 4 sometimes 5.. THANK GOD i have my fridays off. i'd go completely haywire if i didn't have my friday off after a bloody tedious week of 5 labs. lol.

talking about the labs i ABHOR the most, i'm sorry but it's you, HUMAN STRUC TUTE! ha! i know your not even a lab but your lucky enough to get nominated and actually win it! damn your the luckiest tute ever (i'm on amphetamine lately so...) cos we have to prepare for 4 questions provided in the lab book, and present one of the four as a group every thrusday during the tute! damn you tutorial.. well it was bad then during the first ever tute, i was the quietest of all (tho there were a few quieters lol) due to my exclusive hot-caucasianophobia. i was grouped with 4 HOT aussie gals (well not exactly the HOT kind but more of the personality kind of hotness i was talking about they're just being too..friendly i reckon lol) and whatever they said all i did was gag a little, nod a little, saying "yea" a little, and that's how it went for the first tute. it's getting better for the following weeks though, perhaps it just takes time to 'acclimatize'.. we won't be having the same groupmates every week tho, it depends on where you sit and the tutor just divides you into the group with the ones sitting around you. hm. not a bad thing after all aye..

other than that, the other labs have been fine, no reports needed to be complete, just worksheet, which is a plus! ;)

guess i was just ranting over the fact that i'm still idling around procrastinating what i should have done. i told myself to catch up the microbio lectures that i missed out (yea basically all of them from lec 1 lol) and all i did over the weekend was: Beaching and Eating out! prolly it's the guilt that made me write all these bullcrapology.. yea..bullcrapology.. loving it. anyways, i was supposed to complete my superannuated to-do list which was again, catching up the MICROBIO LECTURES! and i ended up being here bullcrapologying..

*totally sigh a relief* feeling so much better letting the craps out, i was so stressed out after thinking what i haven't done and what i'm gonna face on the coming journey, guess it all will turn out just alright. just take it easy whatsoever, be chilled! be cool! that's my yogurt boy ((: i'm feeling smart, feeling handsome too :p i'm hot.

for some reason i'm having second thought about changing 180' to study commerce. the business stuff, finance, accounting..anything other than SCIENCE. prolly i just wanted to escape from the reality, kinda get bored of what i've been studying since forever. its not that i don't like science, just thought that it might be fun to try something unexplored by the yogurt. anyways just a silly thought to rant about. again, i'm hot as usual ;)

P/S: give me a part-time job! someone, whoever i don't care if your a random pedestrian or Bill Gates, just kicks my ass to apply a god damn part time job. i'm like the inertia thing, won't move unless external forces applied lol. i'm hot.

Whatever..

screw your fucking ass wanker..

oh gosh the feeling of hatred sucks. so freaking tiring. the feeling comes and goes on and off whatever..just.. i'm annoyed! by YOU!

just fuck that thing off of you. and stop being some effing braggart nuisance sometimes. fuck that.

what a douche..

GGAAHHH! *calming down..calming..*


alright! less ranting, more yogurt! lol it's time for..American Idol! yup i believe it's already down to the final 12 or so at this stage of time. few weeks ago when it was the 2nd group of the top 36 performing, for some technical problem i couldn't access the link of the website.

(the website, yes.. it's a website where the owner uploads basically all kind of reality show shown on tv (mostly Idol). thank god for this website lol)

i clicked on the link and that thing wasn't streaming at all! i waited and waited, the sun set, the moon showed, the sun rose again, oh and i realized it was already dawn, i'd waited for a day for that fucker to stream and apparently it didn't! so i kinda gave up and the days later i attempted the link again for quite a few times and still, not working! for that i missed the 2nd group, also the 3rd group of AI, not to mention the wildcard round.. and it was the final 12 (or 13..not sure) this past wednesday and i missed it! (well this is me.. i wouldn't want to watch the later episodes if i missed any of the ones in front)

just then, i tried my luck again, and guess what i'ma buy a lottery tmr! hell yea! it worked! and i watched it with gutful of joyous excitement. boy has it been the greatest way to pass time particularly when you have no class on friday (notice a line-shooter around?)

possibly i'll go to the beach tmr, Scarborough beach baby! one of the well-known beaches herein perth. bitch it up!